 |
| I am Pilgrim |
Last week, I had dinner with some friends and decided to go to the book store after over fed myself. Then I got some new books! Voila! The first one is I am pilgrim, the other one is the marriage. My sister Paris is reading the marriage now so I started to read a bit of I am pilgrim. The reason that I picked this one is simply my love to mystery material, I've read a couple of chapters, and it's something I'd love to read. I will let you know more thoughts after finishing it.
The second book is the marriage, I've got more and more friends getting married and having children. It's really brave because a lot of them don't have money or a proper job to support a family. I admire their courage and determination to take on challenges, but it is just something I wouldn't do. So hopefully this book will give me a little bit more insight from other angles.
I can't wait to read them all.
Okay, then, after the talking about books, I also want to share some of my recent feelings. I found myself being quite a different person from 2 years ago. I've become to think more when I see things, and my actual friend circle is indeed smaller. I now prefer smaller dinners, something less than 7 or 8 people, so I can actually listen to something they want to talk about, something not on their Facebook.
A feeling I get is that the friends I have from high school, even though we are as close as always, we meet less because of many reasons, when you know that 'Oh I will have a dinner with them in 2 weeks', you tend to not talk to them until the dinner night. After a few years of doing this, you don't talk to them other than that dinner, your friends are half strangers because you don't talk to each other randomly.
It's bothering me a little bit and I haven't figured out a way to solve it perfectly and quietly.
Another feeling I get is about (in Taiwan )people brag so much on small things, I don't like it, people brag about they get a job interview, people brag about they get an offer. I think working hard is something everyone do, and if your hard work pay off, then that's good, I just don't know why there are so many people making a big deal about every little thing. Things like that appear so much on social media, and I don't see the purpose of it.
Anyway, it's my recent feeling about what I saw and remind myself becoming better.
Hope to talk to you guys soon about the books!
See you next time.
Giselle x
 |
| The marriage |
上周跟朋友去吃晚餐，吃完後因為太飽就去書店晃晃，挑了兩本書，朝聖者跟結婚這場戲，因為熱愛懸疑類的劇情，想說讓自己一頭栽入感覺一定很爽；結婚這場戲感覺提供一些有趣的視角，最近身邊結婚生小孩的人越來越多，比起該有的祝福我更替他們擔憂，在沒錢又工作不穩定的情況下，要是我死都不敢生小孩啊，我既佩服他們的勇氣跟對未來挑戰的心，又很擔心這個一出生就毫無籌碼的孩子。我妹巴黎正在看結婚這場戲，我已經開始看朝聖者了，目前看了幾章，很和我胃口，愛看懸疑類型的讀者一定也會喜歡的。
來說說最近的心情好了
最近漸漸地發現自己跟兩年前的自己差距頗大，同時掙扎同時接受那種轉變。跟以前相比，我的朋友圈小的多，但是我很了解每一個圈子裏面的人，我不跟朋友客套了，小人數的聚餐很好，我可以照顧每個人，多人數的聚餐也很好，因為我只要好好演戲，跟每個人都講類似表面的話即可，但是那種七八個人的聚餐，對我來說就沒有實際的意義，大家距離太近，又沒有盡到可以讓我跟大家好好聊天，就結果來說，就是沒效能的聚會吧。所以我都會把約會切開，一次少一點人，我不想聽她們臉書上看到的，我想傾聽他們真正想說的東西。
一些自身的體悟像是: 因為覺得對自己的每一個部分都很不滿，如果硬是要具象化地去形容，感覺就像被關在一個滿是鏡子的狹小空間，怎麼轉身都是自己的身影，怎麼看怎麼不舒服。
另一方面是對於身邊的人的種種現象有超乎自己預期的情緒，如果硬要去具像化地形容，感覺就像明明知道遠方有個隱密的城堡，那個城堡裡有各式美酒佳餚，卻還是會被滿地的糖果餅乾吸引 - 就在眼前，只要伸手就拿得到，但是拿了之後，就再也去不了城堡 - 這種矛盾跟慾望只能透過幻想城堡的美好，握緊動搖的心，咬牙前進。
對於這兩種情緒的接收，倘若舉出生活中的幾個例子，大概會是這種樣子:
1. 在彼此年少的時候認識的制服時期的朋友，因為大學或畢業後的差異，即使跟對方在要好也無法成為每天見面的角色，卻因為知道下個月就會跟對方吃飯，而把生活中的事情留到那個時候說，幾年下來，除了見面的時候，平日可愛的訊息，也越來越少，彼此漸漸地踏入一種曖昧不明的分類，是好友，也是半個陌生人。
我覺得我生活中有這個現象，還沒想到一個可以不造成他人困擾的解決辦法，這種感覺很不舒服啊，畢竟友情的本質上沒有什麼錯誤，明明沒什麼需要改變的，所以很難解決。
2. 可能是文化使然，或是小確幸氾濫(我個人很討厭小確幸) ，總覺得身邊到處都看得到許多炫耀努力的文，像是工作或是學業有什麼進展，一定要大肆寫一篇，讓人可以點讚捧你，或是抱怨生活，要大家安慰你。 總覺得，真正成功的人，沒時間在臉書上炫耀，沒時間討拍，因為他們很忙的。 最重要的事情是，努力不是應該的嗎? 為什麼要目光淺短的炫耀自己的努力呢?
也可能是我所追求的事業上的大人物，往往都低調到不行，不會大小事情都拿出來講，顯得他們氣度很大方，而且眼界很寬闊。即使我可能這輩子都不會跟我崇拜的那些人一樣有成就，我也想先學習起他們的優點，把目光放遠點，不要過度放大生活的情緒。 這點還有許多可以努力的空間，要好好警惕自己。
以上，有點黑暗，有點難相處，但是覺得這總是忽略那些小糖果小餅乾，前往城堡的唯一途徑。
感謝你們的閱讀，我們下次見，希望可以讀完這兩本書，再來跟你們說我的讀後感。
*揮手下降*
Giselle x
